it's been a while

Holy crap. Its been almost a year since my last update. You can thank Ashu, among a few other loyal fans, for this update. Who am I kidding, you can thank Ashu, my only fan, for this update. My life didn't get any more interesting. I believe I peaked in coolness, circa junior year. I just experienced a semester of college and I didn't get any cooler. I guess I should start off with that then. For all the noobs of my blog... my past blogs are probably of higher quality and you should check them out.

Anyway, these past few months I've been at Rutgers. It's pretty cute, on our first day, we were handed a first aid kit. To my surprise, the kit included everything a college student will probably ever need. A band-aid and a condom. The band-aid is probably for the people that cut themselves try to open the condom. The condom could be used for other things as well.



Anyway,I'm on busch campus, more specifically Mattia Hall. It's a traditionally Indian building and it still kinda is. My floor consists of about 64 people and there are only 12 girls. Our bathroom is a shithole because it consists of 4 stalls, 4 showers, and one janitor. I'll describe only several of my bathroom experiences.
So I walk in the bathroom with nothing but my towel and toiletries.

Pretty sexy right?

Wrong. Not sexy. Not today at least. I walk into a stall to take a quick piss before I venture into one of the shower stalls. And I what I see is what seems to be an explosion of shit, basically covering everything except the toilet. The wall, the floor, and sides of the stall. And it smelled GOOD. Well, good compared to the smell of poop.

I'm kinda standing there, admiring it all, formulating theories, rationalizing the impossible, soaking it in, and feeling alive. I take a shower, feeling dirtier than ever for enjoying the smell of shit, especially shit of that magnitude and severity. As I showered, I thought of the possible positions it probably took to violently squirt shit in such a productive and massive way.

Upon further investigation, I soon find out it was just a fellow friend of mine's vomit after eating a good amount of chocolate cake and cheap vodka. But thats besides the point. Soon after, I realize that occurrences like these are all too normal.

Another time, I see all this commotion happening around the boys bathroom area. I look in, and theres a bunch of people crowded together, telling each other to shutup. So this kid on our floor and some random chick are banging in the handicap stall. And as my roommate would put it, "why would they have a handicap shower stall on the fourth floor of the building?" Of course, that was the first question racing in my mind. The second question running through my mind was, hm, is my laundry done? I then promised myself that I'll check soon. Then I bring my attention to the matter at hand. Two people banging in one of the four shower stalls. We are all just standing there, listening to the sounds of sex. Most of us have never experienced live sex, or sex sounds for that matter. Anyway, we're all kind of pissed because none of us really know the kid at all. Another reason could stem from slight jealousy. So as a bunch of dicks, we all just stand there and wait for them to finish. They get out of the shower stall, and so began the most awkward few seconds of this poor kid's life. 12 or so pissed off dudes staring you down, as you walk out of a shower stall with an ugly ass chick, walking barefoot across the dirtiest bathroom floor known to mankind... hm, how is the floor so dirty if they clean it everyday?... well, one day,

I'm walking through the bathroom, right, and it smells a tiny bit shittier than usual. I'm thinking eh, whatever, its a bathroom. I look at the floor, and I'm like, dang, the floor is darker than usual. An eyewitness tells me that some kid clogged the toilet... and freaked out so he kept flushing it. The poor kid watched the toilet overflow and when he found out he was being watched, he ran out of the bathroom. What use is running out of the bathroom? If he ran fast enough, maybe there was a chance he could travel back in time and maybe not use so much toilet paper. But why would you run out of the bathroom. If it was me, I would've shared a good laugh with the eyewitness of my mess. Poor kid. There were shreds of shit beautifully scattered across the floor, as if it were some intricate design of expensive tile. I found out who it was and I love the dude, so I wont mention names. Anyway, numerous people in my dorm go to the bathroom daily without any flip flops.

More seriously, I'll talk about Rutgers in general.

One thing about Rutgers that I noticed is that it is very diverse, moreso than I thought. On my floor, I have chinese, korean, filipino, colombian, egyptian, indian, sri lankan, jewish(I know its not a nationality), white (many different flavors of white people), african american, and probably other types of people. I think it's really awesome. What I love is that when I have problem with calc homework, at least 4 people are so bored that they end up doing my homework for me, out of sheer pleasure. My GPA is only ok. Pharmacy isn't too hard, you just have to stay on schedule in terms of work and you'll be fine. I locked myself in the quiet lounge for the week of finals just so I can redeem myself for the stupid shit I did throughout the year. I would spend days at a time not opening books or reading through notes. Bad Idea.

I would play pool a few hours a day. I thought to myself that it would be amazing if even only a few kids on my floor played pool. You know, people I would call up to play a game with once in a while. Well, I kinda lucked out. Not just a few people play, but Everyone on my floor plays pool. Everyone except, ironically, my roommate...oh yea, and a bunch of girls. They don't even matter anyway. By the way, my roommate is the fucking man. Just putting that out there.

Anyway, as for Rutgers football, the first few games were pretty exciting to go to. As the season went on, and as we began to suck even more, it was blahh. But the south florida game was pretty sick. We rushed the field after beating the team ranked number 2 in the nation at the time. So we all get home, pretty excited. But I end up finding out that my bio lab report was due the next morning... 8 40 in the morning to be specific. When I got home from the game, it was 12 ish. Oh god. I finished, at around 7 30 in the morning, passed out till 8 40, sprinted half awake to my lab class with my 13 page beast of a lab report. Oh man, it was glorious.

Here's a sexy picture.




People looked at me funny when I was holding the camera for that picture. Probably not as awkward as my Halloween costume this year.








I got so much action that night.











The people I live with are beginning to learn that I have no shame.





However, there was this one time. I was talking to a couple of guys in my room. This incident occurred during one of the first few days. It was a chill environment, so I decided to be bold and make a smartass comment. I tried to be cool by making fun of people in the parking lot.

"Oh man, there are these people in the parking lot, they fricken play the same 3 gay songs over and over." I then proceed to imitate the song in the most obnoxious voice ever. I finished off my rant with a few more smartass remarks... It felt good, I got a few good laughs across the room. Success, I told myself in my head. I mean, its everyone's goal to impress people you first meet. You know, making a good impression on the people you will see everyday. Well, someone wasn't laughing.

"That's my music dawg.." He smiled...I was so scared I let out a small soundless fart. Just when I thought I was shameless... It was a fart of shame. He lives next door and the song traveled through my open window. The best part though was my pathetic attempt to make up for it. I kept talking about how I really like the songs and stuff. Shit happens, people have been through worse... Like Ankur. Just in case you haven't seen it yet.



He hates me for posting that video. All the Indians in the dorm have seen it.

Umm, what else. Ahh, the food in Busch is good. This is one of the fortune cookies I got.





Ahh, this was last thanksgiving. I spent my sober day hanging out with drunk people at my boy Kenny's house.



Um, I guess thats it. I probably won't update for another year or so.

matigas ako

I haven't updated since Thanksgiving.

In these past few weeks, I have…

-Obtained my license
-Inherited my mom’s minivan, aka the Millennium Falcon
-Created a Gang
-Claimed ownership to a groupie
-“Partied” with “the Slutty nun.”
-Achieved a body weight of over 200 lbs
-Learned how to say "you give delicious head" and “I’m hard” in filipino
-Witnessed the legendary prowess of "the Tank"
-Beasted Murray in the big-mac rematch
-Reached my peak in Super Smash Brothers Melee
-Partially satisfied my craving for Deeka Mo and experienced an overdose of Mark Salud

Here are some pics

Masarap nang ulo mo.


















Saludicrous?!?!?


















Ray working overtime. He's so clutch.

Random pic I took outside of my house.

In the future... if my wife can't cook, I'm going to beat her with a stick.














Jenny is trying to seduce the camera.















Merry Christmas Ashu.












Murray, kring, o'handjob, and three filthy indians.










Pure Pwn7ge (minus wilson).

The most significant underground assembly of asian people in recent memory
















Happy New Year everyone!









Big mac contest - 41 seconds

The Night before Thanksgiving

My pillow smells like Winterfresh, no one stole my camera, I got felt up for the first time, and I'm not fully deaf.

However, I got pwn3d.

Let me explain.















I have to admit, its been like 2 years since I've even listened to Thursday. So when my friend asked me to see them, one of the major reasons why I agreed to go is to see Circa Survive, who was opening for them.

Thursday was fucking unbelievable. I can't even explain it, so I won't try to.

The car ride was interesting. My friend Greg talked to my dad about the meaning of life for about 2 hours. For some reason, Christmas music was playing the whole time. I didn't even attempt to change it. I've come to a point in life where I blame all aspects of my laziness to senioritis.

We ended up arriving more than an hour late. Running through the casino, we found the music hall and proceeded to the security check.

They didn't allow me in because I had a digital camera. I stood there, cursing myself that I brought the camera. I was already late, I needed to get in.

I ran downstairs, against the traffic of teenage kids, most of which were dressed in either black clothes or band shirts. A bar or two of cell phone signal finally appeared (this is "shit in your pants excitement" when you are a T-Mobile customer). I was planning to give my camera to my dad, who was probably too immersed in the slot machines to give a damn about answering his phone. The show started at like 7, and at this point, it was circa-8:30. I stood there, speechless because of how pissed I was from wasting all this time. I debated about putting the camera on my crotch region, but that wouldn't work because the security people had those magical wands that detect things.

I ended up going to one of the bathrooms. It's funny because I watched Casino Royale a few days before that. In my head, I fantasized that I was James Bond.

I checked around for cameras. As far as I knew, I was clear. Discreetly, I stuffed a 300 dollar camera into the pot of a fake tropical plant. I actually had thought the plant was real, until I stuffed the camera into a pot of foam, and not soil. I was relieved that it was a fake plant because real soil would've made the case dirty, but I was disappointed at the same time... Disappointed that New Jersey couldn't afford real plants for Atlantic City.

Any shred of disappointment was then dismantled by how fucking realistic the fake plants were.

At least we got the top notch fake shit.

I prayed en route to the music hall. I prayed that I was smooth enough to not have anyone notice what I just did. Bringing the camera was a stupid idea, especially because I have a camera phone.

Well, the show was basically an orgy of sweaty people just feeling around and thrusting their bodies upon each other. It's actually very annoying, but after 10 minutes, you don't even care because you become one with the sea of smelly, drunk, joyous people. Once in a while, you get bonked in the head by the shoes of some kid trying to crowd surf.

There was this one chick that was trying to crowd surf, and she didn't even move. It was just a bunch of guys, holding this chick up, each grabbing a part of her body like there's no tomorrow. She was rolling around in the air, lying among a bed of horny hands. A bed of perpetual gratification. It was hysterical. Whether or not my hands were a part of the "bed of perpetual gratification" is up for debate.

I didn't get to shower after the show because I passed out as soon as I came home. Pretty stupid idea.

The morning after, I smelled like shit and I was pretty sore, especially in the tail bone region. I’m not exactly sure why I was sore there, but whatever. I got in the shower and I do my thing. I reach for the shampoo and as I sink my fingers into my hair, I notice this lump of gum stuck to my fucking hair. If it was fresh gum, the saliva would’ve assisted me in my attempt to take the gum out.

My mom bent my head over the kitchen sink, took some cooking oil that was already on the counter, and scraped that shit off. It was then I noticed that I have a lot of stuff to be thankful for.

pathetic

I've received complaints from Yogin the slutty nun and Ashu about not posting. So here's a post.







Believe it or not, this is my computer chair. This is what you get when you have no life... This is the product of hours upon hours watching break.com videos and mindlessly looking at AIM profiles. The fake leather wore away to the point where you see the yellow foam underneath. The chair screams pathetic. Recently, a potential buyer came to see our house, (if you didn't know, my house is still for sale.) and I remember them going into the computer room. I can only imagine what they thought when they saw the chair, among the other weird things in my room.

They are probably wondering, "what the fuck goes down on that seat..Do I even want to know?"

And...How is the hole so far in the front of the seat? I think its because I'm on the edge of my seat every time I play Gunbound. I don't play anymore, but I probably want to pick it up again because I don't have much to do now that I'm done with college applications. Thats usually how it goes with that game. Your interest in the game peaks, then it declines, and it repeats in a cycle. I remember 2 summers ago, when my brother, his best friend, and I used to fight over the computer just to play Gunbound. Like the mature role model that I am, I made a plan that would end all arguments. We decided to rotate...each person having 3 hours of computer time until the next person goes. Thats how bad it got. Good thing that was only one summer of my life... I lost interest when I realized that I was killing myself. Yea, it's pathetic. It's almost as pathetic as my costume for Halloween this year.



However, during this circumstance, being pathetic was the goal.

manual dexterity

It occurred to me that being indirectly responsible for a tragedy is one of the most painful experiences one could go through. If you’re reading this, you know who you are, and I’m sorry for what happened. In the end, I feel the same way you feel. Hopefully this doesn't affect our relationship. To those who have no idea what I am talking about, here is the AIM conversation.

!@#$%^&: crissy moran is retiring

!@#$%^&: its your goddam religion that did it

AtaraXia XVI: WHAAT

!@#$%^&: shes suddenly loves jesus

!@#$%^&: and went to a devout life of christianity

Simply put, my friend’s favorite porn star is retiring because she supposedly found inspiration from Jesus, and deemed her job unholy.

Tragedy is profound in nature, and through certain figurative fractures, we can rebuild ourselves into better people. Hopefully, my friend forgives me, and maybe he can find it in his heart to forgive Christianity.

With that said,

A few days ago... last week I think.
I'll take a stab at the day, twas probably last Thursday or so. But, before I tell you about what happened, I'll just give you a little background info about the day.

Like usual, I wake up to the sound of myself moaning. It's beautiful. It's not really a moan, it’s just a more gentle version of a grunt. It’s the sound the deer make when they fornicate on and around my shed. I swear, my shed sports a few love stains and dents derived directly from the barnyard bondage and whatnot. I'll explain this, in earnest, at a later time.

I got a solid amount of hours of sleep, like 6ish. I woke up, bonerless, pants on, mentally stable, and ready for the world. I then cleaned my body, put on my deodorant, sharpened my pencils, and then I was off to school. I usually sit in the seat all the way in the front of the bus, because that’s where people like me belong... Everyday, I find myself next to this kid whose facial expression tells me that he needs to take a shit. He probably does, but in reality, he's just depressed about the Mets or something like that. Yeah, I'm not a huge sports guy, but I do have a profound respect for Anna Kournikova and her significant impact to the world of sports.

Sitting in the first seat, I'm so close to the bus driver that I can taste a little bit of her each time she turns the steering wheel... when gushes of wind splash against the side of my face from her violent yet sensual, circular strokes in which steer the bus. Her hands are fricken accurate as hell, an apparent showcase of her manual dexterity. Yo, she steers the wheel as if she’s giving a handjob to a donut. Not that I have experience in doing such things, but I can imagine. Well, not that I want to imagine a donut handjob, but like, I’m just using it as an literary aid so you could better comprehend the situation visually.

Back to the story....

During lunch, Angie opened a can of Pure Pwn3ge, unleashed its contents, and poured the remnants of this can of pure pwn3ge onto this skinny, white chick. The white chick was on the floor, attempting to get up, and basically vibrating in what appeared to be pain.

One of the greatest fights I have ever seen.

Mrs. Coon and Mr. Mullevey tried holding the beast down, but failed miserably. I had just bought my tator tots when I witnessed this visual feast. Angie had more passion in her thrusts than a monkey fucking a coconut (Dane Cook). I almost got run over by Angie when I was extracting ketchup from the ketchup dispenser. The fight was so amazing that I drooled. The drool poured onto my tots, and formed a layer of transparent glaze. Speaking of glaze… glazed donuts are remarkable.

youtube

I made a video of myself playing pool like a year or two ago.

So recently, I check youtube and I have a bunch of these sexy comments on my video.

The world is a scary place.

niceforice (8 months ago)
whoa thats crazy...go hustle some people at the lounge or something hahakeep it up

bleerk (7 months ago)
This fat japaneese kid should get a life, and maybe a job (if he´s lucky)


azndrummer (7 months ago)
WTF... The no look shot was bs all the tricks rnt dat hard. move on to something else. LOL he's to young to get a job.

Theongo (6 months ago)
This is all rediculus. LOL Dunt want to hurt anyone. But this kid make it so dramatic some simple things that killing in laughter. The set up shot is noting big deal, anyone can shoot as long as they get the diagram right. The speedshot is a total joke LOL, the point is shoot the resst of the ball be4 the first ball go to the pocket. wat are you doing? :S. And wat with that crazy thing at the end ? LOL this is stupid.


Theongo (6 months ago)
Check out Eric yow movie or ppooler. Ill post mine soon, so u can open ur eyes. get lost kid :). People are right get a life

rhs13 (6 months ago)
damn. why is everyone such a dick? nice pants. lol.


georgewz (5 months ago)
wat a gay kid

Oblivion97 (4 months ago)
lol he is reading how to do them

noodlenerdxiv (4 months ago)
haha um, this is just something i sent to my friends for fun, i love how everyone is taking it so seriously. i put the beginning part to show that im a beginner at it and that i really dont know what im doing

SoundLad (4 months ago)
well done lad :o)

the6thmonkey (2 months ago)
was there a earthquake or is the camara work just shit

mitchtang (2 months ago)
"filmed by a 10 year old"...I can see that

ifollowmysole (1 month ago)
i expect u think your kool dancing on camara and waving your q stick like a sword and screaming on a camara well guess what mr kool person all those pussy shots u made were stright eazy my cuzin could prolly do it and he/she is not even born yet if u wannaw see some real trick shots then go see night swimmer and if u want to actully do some god trick shots then go get lessens

matt00925 (1 month ago)
take some lessons or get a life... u stupid fuck!

Jeff7227 (1 month ago)
Amazing video ending was my favorite part ;).

Zerusuke (1 month ago)
I would kill the guy that is dancing in that video... I swear... At first i getted a little upset but when i saw that damn dancing and screaming... my god... I swear i'd stroke his damn little neck with my bare hands... Let's see if you can play tennis as good as you do that... (?)

MikeBerman (1 month ago)
hey man good video im stilla nooba t trick shot infact i started today but i do play pool, and make videos.. and hey man for a beginner good job and keep it up.. only problem you need to fix... but a tripod lol your friend sucks at filmin lol =0p but good job overall!

letswatchnaruto (1 month ago)
lol u have to read before u do the tricks dumbass not during it fatty

elrazza (4 weeks ago)
i think hes a special needs child with anger problems probably on ritalin and still wetting the bed, poor little fella

Hoemagn (3 weeks ago)
I was making those shots without notes or paper when i was ten. Its called math. it's easy use it. nub

Havoketernal (3 weeks ago)
Well, i think all the insults are unneeded, can't you do something called constructive critism? That is more productive than anything you fuckwads said, seriously, your the one that need a fucking life.Anyways, i watched, it was nifty, i couldn't do better unlike all the hacks here that say they can, video proof please? Also, The Mars Volta is Ace.

ju31mon12 (3 weeks ago)
do any of you actually have the talent to do this?

jordansNsbs (2 weeks ago)
this video sux my ass. The music can kiss my asian ass. Mushroom head asian. U probably calculated how u gonna hit it dam asian

robotguy (2 weeks ago)
ok, constructive criticism: It is nauseating to watch a video when the camera is bouncing around all over the place. I could only watch half of the video before I just had to stop. Consider using a tripod.

IAmTheSaviour (2 weeks ago)
lol-soup he calculated all the shots!

thisisme5 (1 week ago)
Cool tirkcs but leave out the dancing plz

SchwardixMarvally (3 days ago)
That was hella cool. What the hell is wrong with you people?! Leave the kid alone! And, jordansNsbs, do us all a favour and grow up. You piece of shit Asian hater. Not a big piece, a tiny miniscule little piece of shit that is soiling the arse of the world.

johnaycee26 (28 minutes ago)
y are people leaving hate comments..this a badass video and i am wondering where you got the sheets to show how to do the shots...if you can send them to me that would be awesome, if not, thats alright too

Z

I was in A&p and I saw the longest banana I have ever seen. If I had my cell phone, I would've taken a few pictures. It was so00000 big.

Ok, so my senior year has been pretty chill.

I have Cirone again.
Sucks at teaching. Large Rack. Impatient.(3.8/5.0)

I have Flynn again.
I kind of worship him too much. Above average sex drive. Has lust for Faulkner.(5.2/5.0)

I have Gasior again.
Has Lisp. Loves to "pwn" students. Small Rack. Great teacher. (4.8/5.0)

I have Zayanskowsky-Whitaker again, yay?
Perfect nose. Long name. Posesses a bodacious Bod. Mediocre Rack. Smells like Bengay. Looks like Wayne Gretzky. (5.0/5.0)

I dunno who to give credit to for that Gretzky comparison, props though. Well, Ms. Z passes by my house everyday when I wait for the bus in the morning. We always manage to make eye contact for too long of a time, and it seems as though she slows down just so she can extend that eye contact for a teeny bit longer. Hopefully Gretzky just stops and just gives me ride sometime. I don't get my license till early Decemberish and my partner doesn't get his till late novemberish. My parents are a bunch of idiots. They had sex during the wrong time of year... had they done it one month or so later, I would've been hooked up with a Januaryish birthday. whatever

On a different subject, my dad was forcing me to quit my job, so I can stay home and watch my brother. My dad is afraid that he would experiment with things if I wasn't home to watch him.

So a few days ago, I walk into Carvel, and I had this whole speech planned out for how I was gonna tell my boss that I need to quit the job. It didn't turn out the way I hoped.

"Um, David, I need to tell you something.."

"Hi John, whats up?... Oh wait, before I forget. I'm going to give you a raise. I'm raising you a dollar. You've been working hard, and I really appreciate it. Also, many people have quit recently, lucky for you.... Soo, what did you have to tell me?"

Unfuckingbelievable.

Jobless, and recently raped by irony, I now realize that I've spent almost everything I earned over the summer.

1. New harddrive- more space to store... things.
2. dvd's
3. Initial-D, this is speculation, i haven't spent a lot yet, but i probably will.
4. chinese food everyday
5. membership to ymca to cleanse my body of the chinese food I ate
6. lottery scratch-offs
7. A sweater, with a picture of a large yellow deer on the front of it.

I need to get a life. By the way, if anyone has a printer I can HAVE, let me know. A bunch of you people have one or two laying around, dont be bashful. I need to print out college forms.